my friend, my love..

I still remember the first time i ever saw him.  It was at a conference, with East Coast Aflame..im pretty sure it was in 1999.  He was on stage with the worship band and he was singing the worship song ” open the eyes of my heart Lord.”  I just remember seeing his face and thinking his face was the kindest i had ever seen.  Then i honestly felt like i loved him.  At first glance.  I could tell just from seeing him from a distance that his heart was pure and he was so kind.  

I can’t remember the first time i actually talked with Jacob..but we met at some point and became friends pretty quickly.  And i soon found out that i was right..he was so kind.  

When i was younger, i always dreamed about getting married and having kids.  I watched friend after friend find someone and date them and i was just always the one on the sidelines..watching and wanting to be in a relationship too..it always felt so out of reach for me..like it would never happen for me.

Then, as i got older,i felt like everyone was getting married and although i was so happy for them, i felt like ” will that ever happen for me”.  Jacob was always in the back of my mind.  We lived pretty far away from each other , but would e-mail and see each other occasionally.  I remember him being so easy to talk with and he would write me the sweetest e-mails..always so encouraging.  I would daydream about getting to marry him someday, but i never thought it would happen..it just seemed too good to be true.  

I remember going on ministry trips with East Coast Aflame and Jacob and i would always talk and we were just good friends..there was such an ease being with him..i didn’t have to try hard, it was just so comfortable.  I loved him more and more , but did not tell anyone.  I would just pray for him all the time and just kept it in my heart.  

The summer of 2001 i moved to Delaware to be a part of an amazing ministry, called Freedom Outreach.  I fell in love with the kids there and decided to make Wilmington my home.  I went to the same church as Jacob and we would see each other occasionally.  In my heart, i had told myself that it would never happen between him and i and we were just good friends.  I liked other people and he liked other people..but still, deep down inside, i loved him..i loved how he was always kind and gentle..he put other people before himself..i loved everything about him.  A little while after i moved to Delaware, i went on a trip to Kenya and Uganda.  Before the trip, Jacob asked if he could take me out so he could buy things for  some of the children  in an orphanage i would be going to.  We went out and i just knew even more that this was the person i wanted to be with forever.  In Africa, i thought of him all the time and daydreamed about coming back there someday, with him.

I got back from Africa and we had a long talk about whether we would ever be “more than friends”..and it was a complicated talk, because he was about to leave to go on a three month tour and we wouldn’t see each other at all.  He was really honest and said that he didn’t want me to be put on a back burner while he was gone and so we kind of left it at ” we really don’t know”.  He told me that he loved spending time with me and really always cared about me..but we left it at ” we’ll see what happens”…which was SO hard!!!!!!!

I remember just crying after that, because, i knew i just had to give it over to the Lord..it was out of our hands..which was good.  He was gone for three months and i changed a lot of things in my own life and was really working on healing and wholeness.  I told myself i was ” over ” him.  ( so i thought!!!!) I still remember the first time i saw him when he got back from his tour..and it proved to me that i loved him still!!!

A few weeks later, i had brought my friend from work ( who was a guy), to church and Jacob made sure to sit with us:) Later, he told me that seeing me with that guy, made him realize that he had feelings for me and didn’t want me to be with that guy!

So, long story short, Jacob told me he had feelings for me and we started dating..even though we had been friends for so long, on our first date, we both could not even eat our dinner because we were so nervous!!  We dated for about four months and then we got engaged.  Then, may 1st of 2004, we got married.  I think back to all of the years where we were just friends and we just always loved being with each other..and i am so thankful we are together..that i am with my best friend.  he makes my life so sweet and i am so grateful for him…so this is a little tribute to my favorite guy in the world…

Love vs. Fear and everything else…

Today i have been thinking a lot about this.  I almost named the post ” Faith vs. Fear” and then i realized that out of faith, hope and love..the greatest is Love.  So i decided to change it.  Lately God is really challenging my heart on the issue of fear.  I have dealt with fear pretty much my whole life.  When i was little, i was afraid to go to sleep at night because i was afraid.  My mom would have to pray for me to not be afraid all the time.  I have done many things in my life to overcome certain fears..but i still struggle.  When Jacob and i were first dating, we went for a walk at 7000 acres and were talking about life and somehow, being with him, i felt more brave..more able to face my fears.  So i told him that i wasn’t afraid of dying anymore ( something i had always been afraid of).  The next night, i was going out to my car ( from the apartment i lived in with several other people in the inner city of Wilmington). it was pitch black and i was ( so i thought ) the only person on the street.  When all of a sudden this man appeared out of nowhere and asked me to ” come here”.  I was so freaked out and started running as fast as i could and all i could hear were my feet hitting the pavement and the strange man’s feet hitting the pavement as he ran after me.  I got to the door of the bottom of the apartment building and as my hands shook, i managed to get the key into the door and open it and i ran inside.  I could not look back..i was shaking uncontrollably.  My friend, Nathan who was upstairs in the apartment came running down the stairs and asked me if i was okay and then proceeded to run after this man and try to find him.  He didn’t find him..needless to say i was terrified and for days went through scenarios as to what could have happened to me that night.  ( which of course did not help me).  Anyway, all that to say..that the point is..i was okay. i was safe.  Love ( God ) was with me.  He protected me.  Thats not the first time He has and it’s not the last time He will.  His love is fierce..a force to be reckoned with. His love is stronger than my fear..stronger than the unknowns of the future..stronger than the angels, the demons..you name it.

Sometimes i feel like the fear i struggle with is all consuming..but im learning that we really do become like what we fix our eyes on..if my eyes are focused on fear, than that will permeate my being.  If i call out to God and ask for His Love to cover my fear..i will become more like Him.  

All this to say..His love really is stronger than any other force in this world and can hold us up even in our darkest hours..

Oldie but a Goodie:)

Today i was thinking about how i can be really serious and dramatic about things and how the three posts i have put up so far are all serious..so i thought of an old story that always makes me smile.

After Jacob and I got married, we moved into  a small apartment.  It is a really cute place, just pretty small.  It was our first New Years Eve in that apartment.  We were going to go out and do something fun that night, but we decided to just lay low and watch a movie instead.  All of a sudden, i started to smell this really weird burning smell.  It was like there was plastic on fire..we checked the bedroom- nothing on fire, we checked the bathroom- nothing, we checked the joint kitchen and living room- nothing.  It had to be coming from the basement.  Jacob went down to see and sure enough there was an electrical fire blazing out of the hot water heater!!!!  Jacob turned off the breaker  and we called the fire department.  Oh man!!!!- the fire department was eager to fight a fire!!!- they came with a fire chief’s truck, and two other fire trucks, filled with about 6 guys in total!!!   The guys all had their gear on, including their oxygen tanks- all of them filing into our tiny apartment.  They rushed down into the basement to save us..Jacob went with them.   Meanwhile one of the guys came back up and was hanging out with me in our tiny living room area (which still had our Christmas tree in it).  It was very awkward..he was in all of his gear and standing really close to me , because there was not much room.  I started to panic inside and didn’t know what to say to him..so i looked at him really seriously and said ” Have you seen the movie Ladder 49 yet?”  !!!!!! He looked back at me very seriously and said ” no, but im planning on it”.   After that he turned around and his oxygen tank knocked  our Christmas tree over.  So thanks to our local fire department for one of the funniest nights i can remember:)

living in the moment

Today, my little family and i packed some things into our car and headed to the shore for the weekend.  We are staying in a little condo that is seconds from the beach.  On the drive  ( it took about 3 hours) , our cute little guys fell asleep in the back and Jacob and i talked for a long time.  It was so sweet.  We talked about how much has changed in our lives over the years and how we are so glad for where we are..we talked about how we both were at certain crossroads in our lives a few years before we had met and how if we had taken other paths, we would not be together..and our two, sweet boys would not even exist.  CRAZY.  I cannot imagine my life without the three of them.  Our conversations really got me thinking about wanting to live more in ” the moments”.  I know it is wise to be ready for the future as much as we can be..but i mean allowing ourselves the freedom to just embrace the sweet moments of life.  To just pause and calmly think of what is going on in the moment..to feel it..to let it become a part of the fabric of who we are.  Today i did that.  And i want to keep doing that.  It brings a sort of freedom, i think.  

Right now, i am sitting in a huge bed,  Jacob and our two boys are asleep and i can hear them breathing..and i just feel so happy that they are here, on this earth..so happy that i get to have them in my story..

Held

Last night, Corin woke up in the middle of the night with a low grade fever.  It was so sad to see him so tired and just not feeling good at all.  I gave him some medicine and held him for a little while and then went to go lay him back in his bed.  He laid down and seemed fine.  Then a couple minutes past and he was crying.  I went in and got him and held him again.  I tried to lay him back down and he was just so upset..so i brought him into our bed with us and just held him. I ended up holding him while he was asleep for most of the night.  Before i was able to fall asleep, i just laid there , holding him and just was amazed at how much i love him…how i would do anything in my power to help him feel better..and then it just really hit me:  God feels so much like that towards us..He longs to be gracious to us.  He holds us and never tires in holding us.  Our burdens and pain, never make Him stop loving us or holding us.  

He is there..holding us..i think it is really amazing.  I also think the way that God holds us is different all the time.  Sometimes he uses people,  music, art…you name it..and through those things, He is holding us, reminding us, that we are His and that we are never alone.  I am so thankful to know this kind of love..

Annie and Other Dreams

I have wanted to start a blog for awhile now…there are many things i have ” wanted to start” , but for whatever reasons, have not.  This is my attempt to start some of those things:)  When i was a little girl, my favorite movie, was Annie.  I watched it over and over again and it was never boring to me..I used to actually dream that I was in the movie Annie and i was Annie.  I would wake up from the dream and be disappointed that it was only a dream.  Part of the reason I loved the movie, was because she ended up with a father that loved her so much and took her into his world..which was so different from the one she had come from..i could relate to that.  At this young age, i would daydream of acting in different things and thought it would just be so amazing to be able to tell someone’s story…I tried ” acting”  in some youth group plays, but i was never really good at it..although i still gave it my all and did enjoy doing it.

I have always loved to sing , too..so much..music is healing in so many ways..but again, i would do it only a little and not put much effort into it.  Which leaves me here:  I recently read an amazing book: ” A million miles in a thousand years.” by Donald Miller.  In the book, he talks about how each of us live out our ” story” and it’s up to us what makes up our ” story”.  That got me  thinking..i love to do so many things, but have been so afraid of taking risks..i have loved daydreaming about what my story could be..and not been living it to the fullest.  I don’t want to get to the end of my life and look back and wonder ” what if i had tried that?”…i want to look back and say ” i have taken risks and done all that i feel God has called me too.”

I think it seems scarier than it really is..taking risks, that is.  Recently, i wrote a song and Jacob helped to finish it:)..there was a benefit concert coming up and Jacob said ” we should do the song”.  I was TERRIFIED!!!!!!!  , But i knew i had to do it.  We always have a the choice: to remain comfortable or to take the risk.  I took the risk.  It was a lot less scary than i thought ( although my leg was shaking the entire time!) It has given me courage to try new things and actually step out and do the things that i love to do..So this blog is another one of those things..and here’s to trying new things and doing them even when we are afraid!!!!  and here’s to messing up, while doing them..i have no idea why the font changed to italics and i have no idea how to fix it!!!!!!