Reflections From My Life

words of wisdom from C.S Lewis

sarahaltemus — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 21:46:50 +0000

I read this beautiful writing and felt so compelled by by it. A lot of times i feel certain ways in which i have no idea how to convey. I think we are all deep wells and some of us can draw from those wells easily and bring out what we feel and allow others to understand us easily . Then there are people like me. People who may have a hard time finding the right words. I find that sometimes i am just at a loss of what to say or how to articulate how i feel. I stumbled upon this writing today and it was perfect for me.

The whole time we were in the process of redoing our house..i felt this way and im so glad C.S Lewis wrote this..and so glad i found it today.

” imagine yourself a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of- throwing out a wing here, putting an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent cottage; but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.” C.S Lewis ( Mere Christianity)

God always has a plan..really good plans..and i am learning to rest in that truth..

sometimes change is slow..but that’s okay

sarahaltemus — Thu, 23 Dec 2010 05:03:23 +0000

For as long as i can remember, i have been someone who is trying to change, become more and more who i am created to be. The older i get, the more i realize that a lot of times, with a lot of things in this life, change is a slow process. That is very hard for me..and very hard for most of us. I like it if things can be changed easily.

This past summer, we bought a butterfly habitat and got some caterpillars for Liam and Corin to get to watch the process of their growth and change. It was a fascinating experience. There were five caterpillars and each one took their own time changing. Two caterpillars got to the top of the cup and hung upside down and proceeded the process of going into their cocoon’s. Three others took more time. The three were hanging out at the bottom of the cup for quite sometime, while the other two were already beginning their change. One caterpillar actually got stuck in a web from one of the other caterpillars and it was wriggling to get free..it was actually pitiful to watch. Liam and Cor and I shook the cup to help the poor guy out and finally, he broke free and started his climb to the top of the cup..so there they were all at the top of the cup..in their cocoons.

Days went by and we waited and watched to see if a butterfly was going to emerge. One morning we looked and two had come out of their cocoons!! We then switched them to another ” home” with flowers in it and waited for the other ones to emerge. Two more emerged and there was still the fifth one we were waited for. Waiting and waiting. I couldn’t help but think , the one we were waiting to see, was the one who took the longest to get to the top of the cup and make his cocoon..he was still in there, taking his time changing. One day, we actually got to watch as it wriggled out of the cocoon and was a beautiful butterfly!!! We waited a couple of days and then Liam and Corin and I took them outside to set them free. We watched as each of them flew in different directions. The last one we let go free, flew so high..higher than the others. It was amazing to watch the whole process. God reminded me of how we are all like that..growing and changing..we are all on our own paths and growth will look different for all of us. Sometimes change is slow, sometimes it is painful…but it is worth it. It reminds me of the verse that says God makes all things beautiful in it’s time..

Let it be..

sarahaltemus — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 13:25:21 +0000

Yesterday, Jacob and i decided to stay home from church with our boys and have a relaxing morning. We had plans to go to a creek and go for ice cream.

Our life is so busy right now..we are still working on our house ( Jacob is working soooo hard on it!!) and trying to be people who have balanced lives. We are trying to make sure to spend quality time just the two of us and quality time as a family..mixed with Jacob working so hard at his job and on our house. Sometimes, it feels very tricky. Sometimes, we just decide to stay home from things and just be.

Yesterday was one of those days and my heart is better because of it. Jacob found a creek and a few parks in Lancaster county and we packed a lunch and set off for our special adventure. We hiked on a path that was filled with rocks and went to an overlook that has an amazing view. Our boys collected acorns and Liam walked with a walking stick ..( so adorable:) ..they LOVED it!!! Corin does not want any help and is fearless..running all over the place and soaking it all in. We hopped in the car and left and went to another park with a creek..one of our favorite things. We just hang out and throw rocks in..Corin goes in and picks up the biggest rocks and throws them and Liam takes his shoes off and goes from rock to rock..it is just so sweet. Being there..everything feels so still and peaceful. The world just feels right.

We walked back to the car and set off to have dinner and ice cream at one of our favorite places, called the Creamery. Good food and amazing ice cream:) Our boys were filled with contentment and pure joy during this whole outing..

Jacob and i have found , that sometimes, the most beautiful memories that we create with our boys, are ones that barely cost any money and are moments of us doing something that we all love together…no matter how simple. I am learning that it is so important to work hard and work towards goals..but it is also so vital to pause and just be…

Consistency

sarahaltemus — Sat, 04 Sep 2010 13:22:47 +0000

I am learning more and more that consistency is the key to so many things in this life. Consistency is so important to achieving goals..no matter what they are.

I have been thinking about this so much lately, because I love working out so much. I feel stronger and my mind feels clearer. I feel like it contributes to me being healthy and happy in a lot of ways.

A few months ago, i was not able to work out as much, due to some pain i was having. As a result, i felt sluggish and could tell that my mind didn’t feel as clear. I could only work out when i was feeling okay and that was so discouraging to me. My body felt so tired. I just wanted to be back in the consistent way of working out daily ( most days). Several months past with it being hard for me to do it and now i am back in the swing of things in that area. I feel stronger just in the couple of weeks that i have been working really hard and making sure i am working out almost every day. My mind feels clearer and my body feels stronger and through this, i have seen the power of being consistent. It is then that we see true results in whatever we are trying to attain.

This life is filled with so many variables..so much that is our of our control..but there are things that we can control, things that we can point our hearts towards and be pursuing. Things that really can change as we keep working towards our goals. I thought about how being consistent in who we are is also key to healthy relationships..( as long as our character is a good one:) So, all that to say..being consistent in healthy ways and working towards achieving our goals is a really powerful thing..and we will see the fruit of our labors in that process.

You Give and Take Away

sarahaltemus — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 02:37:41 +0000

Today, i had a doctors appointment. I had to fill out several pages of information when I first got there. One of the first questions, after my name and some other things, surprised me and made my heart sink. It said ” how many times have you been pregnant?” ” then, how many children do you have? ” Wow.

It was a little over four years ago, when jacob and i had decided that we were ready to start having children. We were so excited. I got pregnant for the first time at the end of March. We were beyond excited. We started telling our close friends and family right away. I remember asking my really close friend if we could stop by her house because we wanted to tell her something..she of course said ” yeah!!!” We told her i was pregnant and she grabbed me and hugged me and then told us to wait a minute. She ran upstairs and came back down with a stuffed animal she had and a book on pregnancy that she had been keeping for us and our baby for when we told her i was pregnant!!! We were just so excited and loved our baby so much..we loved how our close friends and family already loved our baby too. It amazed me right away how we can love without even seeing that person yet..

Then, on the friday, before Easter, i was out and Jacob was home. I felt a little funny. I went to the bathroom and saw blood..i tried to hold it together, ran out to my car and started to sob. How can this be? how can we lose our sweet baby, who we embraced and loved so much already..how can we get through this…? i raced home and told Jacob what was happening and he had me go and lie down in our bed..he kept telling me it was going to be okay. As i lie there, i could hear our neighbors newborn crying and crying…i just remember thinking ” God, please stop this pain…” I felt like He was not there…i had a miscarriage. Our really good friends who had lost a baby several years before, were there..sent us flowers and told us that they were there for us..i will never forget that same friend , telling me that one day, i would look into the face of our next child and say in my heart ” you would not be here if i hadn’t lost our first”. She told me that it is such a strange feeling, because you would never want to lose any of your kids..but you can see how God brings something good out of something so sad and tragic. A couple of months later, i was pregnant with our son , Liam. I look at him all of the time and think that same thing my friend said i would. I do not understand it..but i know that God gives and takes away..there is pain in this life and there are blessings beyond anything i deserve. I remember , after my miscarriage, Jacob and i were just so sad..it felt like it was raining in our life..and as i look back on that time today, i see moments of pain, that actually defined us in some ways..they made us different..it was like we were being molded and shaped, even in a sad and horrible time. I do not understand how God does it..bring joy from the pain, but He does. I am reminded of that every time i look into the face of our kids..

The Process

sarahaltemus — Tue, 18 May 2010 13:31:37 +0000

You know, i never used to be a fan of ” the process”. In my heart, i am not the most patient person in the world. Sure i try really hard to be a patient mom, wife, friend, etc..but i have never been good at being patient for things that i am really wanting to see happen in my life. That has always been hard for me. It seemed when i was younger that maybe i would never meet ” the one” ..and it did take quite awhile, but looking back, it was really worth all of the tears and all of the waiting…all of the things that i learned being in the process of waiting. Sometimes, it is just so hard to WAIT. For me, most of the time it is hard to wait:) But when i look back over my life thus far, all of the things i have waited for, after they have come to pass, they have become sweeter than i could have ever imagined.

I am learning to try to embrace the process. I am learning to let go of my desire for control..and man it is hard to do..

When Jacob and i bought our first house , we never would have imagined that it would be two years later and we would not be living in that house yet. We have ripped out almost every wall, Jacob has poured sweat and hard work into everything he has done with that house. Although many times, we have wondered why we went down this route, it has built a character in both of us that maybe wouldn’t be there without this specific process. We joke about how when we are living there, we will be so grateful for all of these little details that maybe other people would just laugh at us about..like the fact that we’ll have a dishwasher:) But, you know, i think that when we surrender to ” the process” and we don’t kick and scream and drag our heels, we can actually have a special joy; even in the midst of longing for a specific dream to come true, even though it may be taking years for it to come to pass..if i can try to let go and enjoy the “getting there”, then i think once i do ” get there” , it will be sweeter because of all i have put into the process of getting there.

An Ever Present Friend

sarahaltemus — Wed, 12 May 2010 01:01:43 +0000

Last week, i had to go to a surgery center and have something looked at and have surgery. Not anything major, but still..surgery. I was so terrified. I hate the idea of ” going under” and not having any idea what is going on. You are at the hands of another person..who you basically have to trust to do a good job. I hated that i had to leave jacob in the waiting room and he couldn’t be with me the whole time, watching out for me and making sure everything was okay. The surgery center felt so cold and bereft of any good feelings. I had to wear an uncomfortable ” gown” ( why do they call them a gown???!!!!) and a weird bathrobe and horrible socks they gave me to put on and then the nurse tucked a surgical hat in my pocket for later:) I just felt so strange..like i was being led into this thing that i did not want to do, but had to..i tried to just be still in my heart and try to not give way to anxious thoughts parading around in my mind..but it was hard not to. I was proud of myself for not crying, cause i felt like a little kid who was scared of the doctors and who was so unsure of what was really going to happen. I just kept reminding myself of my friends and family who were praying for me…and then i started to feel it..i felt like God was really with me. He was the only one who could walk me into that room and He was the one who wasn’t going to be left in the waiting room..He was holding my hand..and i felt it. It was such a comforting feeling..and it just hit me all over again..He is really always with us..He never leaves. We may be so busy, that we forget to think of Him, but He is still there..wow. He is there when we are scared, when we are hurt, confused..happy..you name it..i just feel so grateful to have Him and to know without a doubt that He is with me..now, i just need to keep reminding myself of that:) I hope that you guys can all feel that He is with you too:)

my friend, my love..

sarahaltemus — Tue, 04 May 2010 19:34:42 +0000

I still remember the first time i ever saw him. It was at a conference, with East Coast Aflame..im pretty sure it was in 1999. He was on stage with the worship band and he was singing the worship song ” open the eyes of my heart Lord.” I just remember seeing his face and thinking his face was the kindest i had ever seen. Then i honestly felt like i loved him. At first glance. I could tell just from seeing him from a distance that his heart was pure and he was so kind.

I can’t remember the first time i actually talked with Jacob..but we met at some point and became friends pretty quickly. And i soon found out that i was right..he was so kind.

When i was younger, i always dreamed about getting married and having kids. I watched friend after friend find someone and date them and i was just always the one on the sidelines..watching and wanting to be in a relationship too..it always felt so out of reach for me..like it would never happen for me.

Then, as i got older,i felt like everyone was getting married and although i was so happy for them, i felt like ” will that ever happen for me”. Jacob was always in the back of my mind. We lived pretty far away from each other , but would e-mail and see each other occasionally. I remember him being so easy to talk with and he would write me the sweetest e-mails..always so encouraging. I would daydream about getting to marry him someday, but i never thought it would happen..it just seemed too good to be true.

I remember going on ministry trips with East Coast Aflame and Jacob and i would always talk and we were just good friends..there was such an ease being with him..i didn’t have to try hard, it was just so comfortable. I loved him more and more , but did not tell anyone. I would just pray for him all the time and just kept it in my heart.

The summer of 2001 i moved to Delaware to be a part of an amazing ministry, called Freedom Outreach. I fell in love with the kids there and decided to make Wilmington my home. I went to the same church as Jacob and we would see each other occasionally. In my heart, i had told myself that it would never happen between him and i and we were just good friends. I liked other people and he liked other people..but still, deep down inside, i loved him..i loved how he was always kind and gentle..he put other people before himself..i loved everything about him. A little while after i moved to Delaware, i went on a trip to Kenya and Uganda. Before the trip, Jacob asked if he could take me out so he could buy things for some of the children in an orphanage i would be going to. We went out and i just knew even more that this was the person i wanted to be with forever. In Africa, i thought of him all the time and daydreamed about coming back there someday, with him.

I got back from Africa and we had a long talk about whether we would ever be “more than friends”..and it was a complicated talk, because he was about to leave to go on a three month tour and we wouldn’t see each other at all. He was really honest and said that he didn’t want me to be put on a back burner while he was gone and so we kind of left it at ” we really don’t know”. He told me that he loved spending time with me and really always cared about me..but we left it at ” we’ll see what happens”…which was SO hard!!!!!!!

I remember just crying after that, because, i knew i just had to give it over to the Lord..it was out of our hands..which was good. He was gone for three months and i changed a lot of things in my own life and was really working on healing and wholeness. I told myself i was ” over ” him. ( so i thought!!!!) I still remember the first time i saw him when he got back from his tour..and it proved to me that i loved him still!!!

A few weeks later, i had brought my friend from work ( who was a guy), to church and Jacob made sure to sit with us:) Later, he told me that seeing me with that guy, made him realize that he had feelings for me and didn’t want me to be with that guy!

So, long story short, Jacob told me he had feelings for me and we started dating..even though we had been friends for so long, on our first date, we both could not even eat our dinner because we were so nervous!! We dated for about four months and then we got engaged. Then, may 1st of 2004, we got married. I think back to all of the years where we were just friends and we just always loved being with each other..and i am so thankful we are together..that i am with my best friend. he makes my life so sweet and i am so grateful for him…so this is a little tribute to my favorite guy in the world…

Love vs. Fear and everything else…

sarahaltemus — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 00:57:51 +0000

Today i have been thinking a lot about this. I almost named the post ” Faith vs. Fear” and then i realized that out of faith, hope and love..the greatest is Love. So i decided to change it. Lately God is really challenging my heart on the issue of fear. I have dealt with fear pretty much my whole life. When i was little, i was afraid to go to sleep at night because i was afraid. My mom would have to pray for me to not be afraid all the time. I have done many things in my life to overcome certain fears..but i still struggle. When Jacob and i were first dating, we went for a walk at 7000 acres and were talking about life and somehow, being with him, i felt more brave..more able to face my fears. So i told him that i wasn’t afraid of dying anymore ( something i had always been afraid of). The next night, i was going out to my car ( from the apartment i lived in with several other people in the inner city of Wilmington). it was pitch black and i was ( so i thought ) the only person on the street. When all of a sudden this man appeared out of nowhere and asked me to ” come here”. I was so freaked out and started running as fast as i could and all i could hear were my feet hitting the pavement and the strange man’s feet hitting the pavement as he ran after me. I got to the door of the bottom of the apartment building and as my hands shook, i managed to get the key into the door and open it and i ran inside. I could not look back..i was shaking uncontrollably. My friend, Nathan who was upstairs in the apartment came running down the stairs and asked me if i was okay and then proceeded to run after this man and try to find him. He didn’t find him..needless to say i was terrified and for days went through scenarios as to what could have happened to me that night. ( which of course did not help me). Anyway, all that to say..that the point is..i was okay. i was safe. Love ( God ) was with me. He protected me. Thats not the first time He has and it’s not the last time He will. His love is fierce..a force to be reckoned with. His love is stronger than my fear..stronger than the unknowns of the future..stronger than the angels, the demons..you name it.

Sometimes i feel like the fear i struggle with is all consuming..but im learning that we really do become like what we fix our eyes on..if my eyes are focused on fear, than that will permeate my being. If i call out to God and ask for His Love to cover my fear..i will become more like Him.

All this to say..His love really is stronger than any other force in this world and can hold us up even in our darkest hours..

Oldie but a Goodie:)

sarahaltemus — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 02:43:57 +0000

Today i was thinking about how i can be really serious and dramatic about things and how the three posts i have put up so far are all serious..so i thought of an old story that always makes me smile.

After Jacob and I got married, we moved into a small apartment. It is a really cute place, just pretty small. It was our first New Years Eve in that apartment. We were going to go out and do something fun that night, but we decided to just lay low and watch a movie instead. All of a sudden, i started to smell this really weird burning smell. It was like there was plastic on fire..we checked the bedroom- nothing on fire, we checked the bathroom- nothing, we checked the joint kitchen and living room- nothing. It had to be coming from the basement. Jacob went down to see and sure enough there was an electrical fire blazing out of the hot water heater!!!! Jacob turned off the breaker and we called the fire department. Oh man!!!!- the fire department was eager to fight a fire!!!- they came with a fire chief’s truck, and two other fire trucks, filled with about 6 guys in total!!! The guys all had their gear on, including their oxygen tanks- all of them filing into our tiny apartment. They rushed down into the basement to save us..Jacob went with them. Meanwhile one of the guys came back up and was hanging out with me in our tiny living room area (which still had our Christmas tree in it). It was very awkward..he was in all of his gear and standing really close to me , because there was not much room. I started to panic inside and didn’t know what to say to him..so i looked at him really seriously and said ” Have you seen the movie Ladder 49 yet?” !!!!!! He looked back at me very seriously and said ” no, but im planning on it”. After that he turned around and his oxygen tank knocked our Christmas tree over. So thanks to our local fire department for one of the funniest nights i can remember:)